This Makes Four

Saturday, September 15, 2007:     I went to Denver to shake off everything that has been wearing my head for the past few months and found a very pleasant surprise. It was one of those things that are right under your nose and you don’t even know it. This was right in front of me all along and I could see it, but I wasn’t sure if I was seeing things clearly. My running partner seems to have developed a secret crush for me over the past few months, which totally threw me off guard since I’m not really what he looks for. He asked me if I had thought about being with him. When I finally admitted to it, he asked, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I just didn’t want to screw things up. Over the past couple months I have grown closer to him as a friend than I have ever been with any man before and I can honestly say that he is my best friend. An equally interesting question, “Why didn’t he say anything before Saturday night?”

In one thousand words:

Empirical Process:

What the hell is going on? I have voluntarily thrown logic out the window for this one. I just want to jump into this head first even though I’m not ready. I woke up this morning wondering if I’m going to be good for him and if he can deal with my social awkwardness, and demanding personality. He knows me, so he knows what he’s getting into. I’m a little scared because I have entertained the idea that someday I will want to share this with my family, but it will be incredibly difficult since I’m not out to my family. My family knows I’m gay, but we have never discussed it openly. I never really saw the point of the possibility of talking about it until now.

But has he changed his mind? He said he would call me and two days went by without a call. I know it sounds needy, but I was kind of worried about how he was recovering from Saturday night (there was a lot of drinking) and he took a certain drug. It’s just not like him not to call. So I called him and left a voicemail message. Still no call back, but a text message. That’s out of character too. He always returns my calls. In the text message, he referred to me as “buddy.” Hmmm… does anyone call their boyfriend “buddy”? He and I had already discussed this a few weeks ago and the answer is no. Maybe things have changed – this is exactly what I’m afraid of. I have been telling myself for the past two days that it’s okay if he wants to back out, but when I actually think about it, it’s not okay. I don’t want another experience where someone asks me to be their boyfriend and then just changes their mind a day or two later. This has happened with every guy I’ve dated. It’s not okay. What does this text message and the fact that he hasn’t called mean? Probably nothing, but it’s out of character so I’m going to prepare myself either way.

What’s the investment? Three years ago, I met JR in Denver. I fell for him and I didn’t even know it until it was over. We knew each other for a few weeks and he made me think for the first time, “I like this. I like being gay. I want this.” He inspired me to be the person I am and he showed me the person I could be. Everything he every said was piercing and unforgettable because he was so perceptive. He showed me exactly what I want and for the first time, I knew exactly what I want. For the past three years, I have been searching for a new JR. Well, someone exactly like him, or at least close. _____ and I have known each other for a while and the moment I met him, I thought, “This could quite possibly be what I have been looking for.” A few months after we briefly met, I saw him at Statik, a club in Fort Collins. I think we were both trashed. We had our first hello, our first conversation, our first meaningful glance. There was electricity. There were sparks. There was definitely something here. We parted ways and arranged to meet a few days later and ended up becoming running partners. Our friendship was effortless and completely open.

Now I’m lying in bed trying to figure things out. I’m acting this insecure because the thought of losing my best friend over the awkward aftermath of a steamy, drunken weekend seems like a possibility. Even though the circumstances under which things started might have been a little different, I don’t think they are wrong. I don’t think the decision to be together is wrong.

I’m mainly afraid of losing another JR. I can’t do it. Considering that every guy who has ever been my ‘boyfriend’ changed his mind soon after they asked me, I think my insecurity is valid. I don’t have it in me to go through that again and come out of it without a maladaptive relationship viewpoint. I won’t do that again and I can’t lose my best friend, my running partner and JR again.

Results

I had a feeling that he would change his mind the next day, but I assumed that he would at least let me know rather than not call for four days and leave me hanging. I wish that we could forget this weekend ever happened and go back, but I know that you can never go back. Since that’s the case, I would like to move forward beyond this. He keeps saying that he’s going to call and doesn’t. He didn’t return my text message and I have no idea why he’s doing this. Is he embarrassed? Angry? I don’t get it and I can’t believe he’s doing this. Even harder for me to believe is that this is happening again. This makes four consecutive experiences of exactly the same situation. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand how much this hurts. I know everyone has had their share of struggles and breakups, but I don’t think anyone has experienced breaking up one or two days afterward again and again. This makes four times. I’m not going to recover from this.

What has this done?

If this hadn’t happened four times in a row with every guy who has ever expressed significant interest, I could easily let it go. That’s not the case. There is apparently something extremely wrong with me. As a result, I will never pursue another man and I will never allow myself to be pursued. This isn’t entirely my decision. This is what the world has given me and I have nothing else to go by and nothing else on which to base future experiences.

Four times. Wow.

~ by freeradicalredox on September 19, 2007.