Explication and Consolidation

Explication and Consolidation

Unlike Me (Kate Havnevik) and Maybe (Kelly Clarkson) have been on my playlist quite often lately, so I’ve decided to explicate them and consolidate them into one song to determine exactly what’s at the bottom of this ocean.

There are no guarantees in life -

You never know exactly what you’re in for
Not for the present

Nor for the future

The present is the least reliable source for predicting the future.   

All I know is that I’m here

You can only count on what is in front of you. I’m not going anywhere…yet. I’ve been “there,” but right now I’m here.
Don’t know for how long I’ll be leaving soon, but it’s not for me to decide. It’s just a matter of time before I go. I love the way
You live so intensely
Enjoy every minute of life

Why can’t I do that? 
With space to swing
Your arms around

Cut me some slack! I’m hard enough on myself and it’s hard enough to breathe and move without being pressed on by everyone around me.
Unlike me

You are nothing like me…that’s good for you.
Unlike me

“Unlike” me, if that makes you more comfortable.

Do you think I’m strange

I am. And you’re not?

Unlike you

I am nothing like you…that’s good for me.
Unlike you

Everything will fade.

I am not pretending
This is me, like it or not; take it or leave it. Most will leave it. We have all faked something at some point in our lives…let’s not.
There is no timeYou move and change
Yet you go nowhere
Everything stays the same
You stare at me
And ask me questions
Makes me nervous
This room, it keeps a (? constant tone ?)
While I’m on a roller coaster

Nothing is ever the same. Life moves. Hopefully, we all move with it. But really, you are always where you are no matter where you go and that will never change. I keep moving, I keep growing, it’s high and low, and yet I’m centered.

Miss Clarkson….

I’m strong

I have been through my share and will continue to carry more than I can handle, more than I should, and other people’s problems. Because I can. Because I want to.
But I break

I’m strong enough to handle that too. There can be no strength without weakness.

I’m stubborn

I know what I want and what I don’t want and I always pull through. It might be rough, but I don’t give up.
And I make plenty of mistakes

Everyone does it. Somehow, it’s always worse in everyone else’s opinion when I make mistakes. Stop putting me on a pedestal…I’m not that great – and neither are you.
Yeah I’m hard

It’s difficult to get through. I learn the hard way – through experience - which usually makes a person makes people this way.
And life with me is never easy

I’m a lot to handle…but anything worth having in life is a challenge. If I were easy, I wouldn’t be worth anything.
To figure out, to love

Good luck cracking this code…and good luck loving it once you’ve figured me out. Probably won’t happen. It takes an equally strong, stubborn and loving person as I am to carry this – I don’t think it’s humanly possible.
I’m jaded but oh so lovely

Sometimes lovely things come in ‘not-so-lovely’ packages. I am still quite naive, but I have always been jaded. I’m just a different style of ‘lovely.’…the uncommon type.

All you have to do is hold me

I might be hard, I might be stubborn, I might be jaded, but I don’t need a lot.
And you’ll know and you’ll see just how sweet it can be

It’s more than you’re capable of seeing.
If you’ll trust me, love me, let me

You first. I can’t give something that I don’t get.
Maybe, maybe

Who knows? I’ll take my chances.
Someday

It’s always “someday.” I used to say that ’someday usually means never.’ That might be the case, but if not… someday.
When we’re at the same place
Somday I’ll get there.

When we’re on the same road
I don’t know which road this is yet.

When it’s okay to hold my hand
It’s not okay to hold my hand right now. I really want it, but it’s not time.

Without feeling lost

no confusion
Without all the excuses

Whatever your excuses, they’re not good enough. Leave them behind. They’re just a tool to make yourself feel better and others worse.

When it’s just because you love me, you let me, you need me

I need permission.
I’m confusing as hell

Most of the time, I don’t make sense unless you’re talking about business and finance, research, or clinical psychology. How the hell did I end up this way? I used to be the free-spirited, artistic, hippie-loving, happy-go-lucky type. I guess I”m a little of everything… don’t try to figure me out – you won’t.

I’m north and south

I constantly contradict myself…constantly pulling myself in two directions. I am indecisive.

And I’ll probably never have it all figured out

I don’t think I have to figure everything out. I kind of like it that way.

But what I know is I wasn’t meant to walk this world without you

Who? This must be someone in the future. I don’t know who, where, when or how I’ll meet this guy but I’m certain that I wasn’t meant to experience all of this on my own.

And I promise I’ll try

I do try.

Yeah I’m gonna try to give you every little part of me
I’ll know when the time is right for this. Until then, I’m saving every aspect of myself until it matters. Someday I’ll fall madly for someone and they will do the same for me. I know how it’s going to feel. Once in a while, I get this “feeling” and I think, “wow, this is what it’s going to feel like.” I have had similar feelings for some guys, but never *the big one* - and I’m guessing that most people will never experience it.   

Every single detail you missed with your eyes

Even if he sees me – right through me – there’s still more.
Then maybe

If he can do this and if I can do this and if he lets me, then maybe all of this will happen.

Maybe yeah maybe
One day
We’ll meet again and you’ll need me, you’ll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you’ll love me, you’ll love me thenIt has been nearly four years since I last saw JR when he moved to Chicago. I know that if I see him again, I won’t want him… but by the time I’m ready for all of this, I will want someone like him. And maybe then, he (whoever that is) will love me.
I don’t want to be tough

I’m tired of being tough.

And I don’t want to be proud

I don’t need to be proud, but maybe I have to be.

I don’t need to be fixed and I certainly don’t need to be found
Whatever is wrong with me is fine the way it is. I know where I am and chances are if you have “found” me, you are looking in the wrong place.

I’m not lost

You can’t lose something you never had. With that in mind, if I have been lost then I was never found to begin with. I’m just waiting.

I need to be loved

I hate to admit this, but I really need it.
I just want to be loved by you and I won’t stop ’cause I believe
Whoever you are, wherever you are… I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of looking, I’m tired of being strong, stubborn and tough. I might be all of those things, but underneath it all – I’m not. Sometimes what acts like a bitch, talks like a bitch and walks like a bitch is not really a bitch.

That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

On the Fence

If I Stay…

Money: My income doubles in June 2008.

Career: I’m two years ahead of schedule in my career and two years ahead of most graduates with a bachelor’s degree as far as work experience goes even though I don’t have a BA. (By Princeton standards.) 

School: I will remain on schedule and have my BA as planned. I can keep my place in the elite 5% of students at LCCC and be fully prepped for transfer. 

Social Life: I will continue to be unable to identify with the people in Wyoming since my plan in life is uncommon and impossible to achieve in this place. I will continue to see social and physical isolation. I’ll probably end up taking SSRI’s to take my mind off of all of this. 

Appearance: I start wearing braces in September and will have them off by August next year. A lot of the things that I “need” for maintenance are inaccessible here and I will be forced to continue to ‘let myself go.’ Fortunately, my family ages extremely well.

If I go…  

Money: This region has the lowest compensation and funkiest, self-sabotaging economy I have ever seen. With that in mind, my income will probably go up at least 150% if I leave after graduation.

Career: The experience I have had over the past couple years and will receive over the next year sets me far above most graduates with more advanced degrees. I’m very marketable at this point. If I don’t leave, I’m cutting myself short.

School: Graduation and transferring is just around the corner. Basically, this is the deciding factor – I have to leave. Yes!!!!! I hate this place and I’m ready for more. Basically, this section nullifies everything I have said before…none of it matters. All that matters is that I have to transfer to university.

Social Life: Life starts after I finish this degree and as soon as I leave. This place has been a total waste of time socially. As far as prepping for what’s next, it has been invaluable. I’ll do better when I leave. I’ll be happier. I’ll feel more connected.

Appearance: The braces will be off by the time I leave. Muah! I’ll have access to everything I need when I leave and I think my appearance will only get better when I leave. I’m not vain, I just think everyone should make the most of what they have and you can’t really do that here considering that the stylists should go back to school (to say it gently) and the shopping is horrible.

I guess that settles it. I’m gone by next June.

Bye.

Tabula Rasa

Tabula Rasa… explained

What’s with the username “Tabula Rasa?”I’m just posting this on the off chance that when people stumble along my page, they might not actually know that Tabula Rasa is not some sort of fictitious arrangment of letters shuffled together and barfed on a page or a delicious  Yugoslavian reduction recipe. I’ll try to explain this without seeming like I’m offering a philosophy lecture, but sometimes I wonder if I am the only one that thinks tabula rasa is an incredibly beautiful concept. 

The Basics

Literally translated, it means “blank slate” and suggests that when each of us is born, we are born without any knowledge. In other words, there is no existence of innate or a priori knowledge or cognition and that all things are learned through experience (a posteriori). Our minds are a blank slate, or tabula rasa. It was originally an Aristotilian concept and considered one of the first Psychological texts…ironically, you won’t learn that in most General Psychology courses. In a word, this concept is what is now regarded as empiricism. Enough of that… this could easily become another of my five page blogs.

Why is this beautiful?

Tabula Rasa is life, infinity, pure thought and pure reason. You write your own story based on nothing at all other than what you are exposed to. This is kind of unfair to those that aren’t exposed to much at all. Prime example: Wyoming. But that’s what makes it beautiful, you make the most of what you have to work with and this makes tabula rasa a true test of character. The only life you get is your own that eventually becomes the story of your life. Own it. Even more beautiful is that since this theory suggests that all knowledge is based upon experience, no one can have the same ideas, feelings, thoughts or experiences.

Why does this matter to me and why the hell would you care?

This is important to me because it forces one to take responsibility for their life, their choices, how much or how little they learn…it’s a very empowering concept. It allows someone to have faith that they have at least a small amount of control over their future, fate, destiny – whatever you want to call it. It allows a person to trust that the choices they make will eventually lead them to become the person they wish to be. We all start out on the same plane – nothing. This is important to me because even though we all start out as nothing, knowing nothing; the true tragedy in life is dying as nothing, knowing nothing. Tabula rasa is purity and truth. It’s all in the experience…empiricism.

If you made it this far in this blog and “get it”…

We have a lot in common…more than we think. Process that sentence, it’s the most profound part of this blog and this is the point where it goes over both of our heads – and also the point where you truly “get it.” 

LOVE,

Brad, a.k.a. Tabula Rasa  

Denouement

Denouement

Is life circular, triangular or linear? I don’t really know why I’m trying to explain this, especially since I can’t. Even more difficult would be attempting to romanticize such an abstract question.

Circular?

It’s much more idealistic to hope that life is a cycle – it would require the least effort. But life is not seamless or effortless…and what would be the point if life were circular? You would always end up the same place you begin. This model doesn’t relate to or observe time.

Triangular?

This is a much more progressive idea. The starting point escalates each moment of our lives, whether this is for the good or the bad is simply a matter of choice. You can move through life ascending or descending – hopefully the former. Eventually, we reach the climax or catharsis of our lives and it’s all downhill or uphill from there. No matter which direction we all take, we all reach the same point: resolution and hopefully remain there. With this life-model, there is no going back…everything will move forward, whether we like it or not. Compared, to a circular life-model that allows for revisitation, familiarity and repetition, a triangular approach will allow one to go backward only by great force and determination. It’s risky, but could be necessary and rewarding depending on the reasons.

Linear?

This is probably the least interesting approach to life and seems generally detached and predictable. This approach is basically a timeline with only a starting point, and end point and numerous meaningful benchmarks along the way. You can move forward, backward, up, down – time is easily manipulated, but entirely demanding. With this approach, you always know where you stand.

Which suits you most? (That’s not rhetorical on any level – I’m actually asking.)

When all is said and done, is everything leading you to or away from denouement? This question, on the other hand, is rhetorical.

Can’t Sleep

I’m still having trouble sleeping and I know exactly why: too much thinking. I wish there could be a button that I press when it’s bedtime to make me sleep. Perhaps I should start taking anxiety regulators again. Nearly everyone I work with is on them…what’s with that? It’s not a secret - working in social administration is synonymous with high stress.

I have been listening to Feist lately… I’m not sure how I feel about it, but I have found that I always have a bad initial impression of some of my favorite music and I know that Feist will one day be on my permanent playlist. Along the same lines, some of the best friendships I’ve had were highly improbable – I guess with a bad first impression, the only way to go from there is up. Anyway, Feist’s lyrics are absolutely brilliant and that’s all there is to say about that.

What else is keeping me awake…hmmm… denial, I suppose. I’m refusing to admit to the truth of some life lessons. I was noticing a couple days ago that myspace sometimes refers to a blog as a journal entry in certain notifications. I love that it’s an interactive journal, but it kind of drives me nuts that everything I really want to say and how I actually feel has to be tucked away in my wordpress blog because it’s not appropriate here - don’t even think about it, it’s password protected. I love my myspace blog more than the other one even though it’s really basic.

Another note about denial… just the word “denial” irritates me because it’s high on the list of the cheapest defense mechanisms. Well, they’re all cheap and maladaptive really. But even more irritating is that I’m aware that I’m in denial about so many things. Anyway, what was I saying? I don’t even remember now… oh yeah - I was building up to addressing self-denial. I don’t even really know exactly who I am. I have a fairly certain idea of who I am going to be, but I refuse to accept the person I am now. Perhaps that’s the source of my incredibly low self-esteem. I’m actually quite proud of my self-deprecating, self-loathing tendencies. How’s that for complex!? Someone please explain that one to me without using the word masochistic because that would be an innacurate. I guess the other source is that people think I’m someone that I’m not. So often, people think I’m from a city and that I have money. Ha! That’s a joke. Neither could be farther from the truth – and I’m proud of that too…and even more proud that I am able to fit in a city and melt into upscale environmnets easily. It’s probably just my exquisite taste that makes me seem that way. lol. I’m not misrepresenting myself or trying to be something I’m not. I’m a broke college student working for the man – neither of the two pays very well, but that doesn’t mean I have to live and act that way. Or does it? This leads me to….

I always feel underestimated by people. Maybe it’s not so much being underestimated as much as it is that I overestimate myself. I don’t like that idea. That answer is no – but I only say that from denial. On the other hand, people are usually surprised by me because they get this impression of who I am – which I have noticed is almost always entirely inaccurate.

I just looked at the clock… in seven days I will have been on this planet for a quarter century. Speaking of planets… why did my psychic lady lie to me? When I moved here in June, she said give it a year… your love is here. Anything you ask from the universe will be given to you. I can see that the universe has given me the best possible considering that I’m in Cheyenne as far as work, school, etc. But I’m just not buying the “your love is here” part. I don’t see it. I asked for it, but I didn’t mean it. I have such mixed feelings on that one… I want it, but I don’t want it at the same time. I have been flying solo my entire adult life (even though my adult life doesn’t technically start until I turn 25 next Sunday) and I’m starting to hate it, but at the same time I’m getting really used to it – and I hate that even more. I don’t want to get used to this because it’s making me numb in so many ways…one day, it’s going too late and this day is quickly approaching if it’s not already here.

Ugh. 2:04AM. At this hour of the night, my defenses are down so this blog is probably plump with confusion and stuff that doesn’t make sense but it’s writing therapy, so that’s that. I’m posting some Feist lyrics… they’re kind of gushy, but so me.  

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you’re
Just acting tough
Maybe you’re just not man enough
What’s wrongThis very secret
That you’re trying to conceal
Is the very same one
You’re dying to revealSecret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Could it have something to do with
Admitting that you just can’t go through it alone

Huh?

After my post-work nap today, something felt so out of sync. I felt as though I was going to pass out and barf at the same time. It was almost as if I were in the process of either dying or exploding…completely unbearable. I don’t know if I have some kind of summer cold or flu or if it’s mental exhaustion or stress… I have no idea. Whatever it is, it’s very uncomfortable. I have only felt this one time before. Sometimes when the universe shifts, you can feel it. This experience has only happened to me once before. I was sixteen going one direction and suddnely, the world I live in as I know it shifted completely…it felt kind of like having the wind knocked out of me and that’s how I felt today.

I’m not complaining, I just don’t know what this is all about. I haven’t slept well for a month. Actually, I hate going to sleep recently because my dreams have been more stressful than when I’m awake. On top of that, I have had this nasty, bitter taste in my mouth for days and I have been SO tired. Is it work? I work a regular 8 to 5 schedule, so I don’t really work more than most people. Somehow, it feels like I work 80 hours a week rather than 40. I love my job, but it’s so demanding…or maybe it just feels that way. I’m starting to wonder if being the youngest person in a department that dominates the majority of five floors is too much. I’m quite capable and I don’t think that the program I work for could operate efficiently in the future without me and I love it, but it’s a lot to carry for someone my age. Even though I feel kind of old, I sometimes have to remind myself that I’m not as old as I feel.

 So now what? Do I stay the course that has been working for the past year and a half even though I’m not getting what I need from Cheyenne? The social and physical isolation is asking far more from me than it returns. Or should I just change locations sooner than planned? Or do something irresponsible and free-spirited by running away to travel like I would have when I was younger? I don’t know…but the universe has already shifted and I have to follow its lead, whatever that means.

I just had to get all that off my chest.

Incredulous

Several people have asked me over the past couple weeks why I’m single. I’m taking that as a sign that I should probably try to form some sort of explanation. Part of me doesn’t want to know what the reason is, but if I’m going to break this perpetual state of bachelorhood I have to figure it out and change it.

People have usually been rather incredulous that I’m single. I don’t get it either. I’m not a player and it’s not by choice… so what is it then? There are probably several reasons. The most obvious is that I live in Wyoming…there just aren’t options here. I would rather have no one at all than to settle for someone that I have no connection with. In the past. I have only had two boyfriends and no relationships at this point. Both of them were only a week, which doesn’t count for much of anything at all….especially not a relationship. I don’t mean to be insensitive or mean, but honestly – what else could I think about that? And it’s not like either of them really put in any effort to make the situations significant, so it’s not an unfair statement.  

The second notion is that I might be too picky. False. I’m insulted when anyone says that to me. They’re basically saying, “Settle. You’re not going to get what you want.” With both boyfriends, I have settled….which is proof that I’m not as picky as I seem. BUT one of the two is a great guy – just not for me. Even though we were both settling, it didn’t feel like it at the time. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s the connection that matters, not the person’s qualities and achievements. I am flexible enough to overlook things that don’t matter…so lack of patience is not a reason for being single either, but making poor choices and ignoring my instint might. Hmm… in the future perhaps I should just jump headfirst rather than taking so long to test the water? I don’t know.

The third reason people usually offer me is that I’m unapproachable. I can’t take responsibility for that… if people find me to be unapproachable, that’s their mistake and their personal issue. It’s true that I don’t really put myself out there, but I’m incredibly shy and I will accept responsibility for that. I’m actually too nice, so that might be an issue…but I don’t want guys that don’t want nice guys – so that’s okay. They can play their games elsewhere.

But none of these reasons really explains why I am single…and I’m not going to make a list of everything that’s wrong with me – that’s information that is probably best left in my own head. I have directly asked nearly each of my closest friends what is wrong with me… no answers. I know there’s a reason, but I can’t get a real answer. Then again, what makes me think there’s something wrong with me in the first place? I’m pretty sure that it’s just how I react to Wyoming that makes me feel that way…but I’m also pretty sure that there is a reason beyond any of my flaws – who knows?

After years of considering this, still no explanation.

PURE

One of my favorite words is pure. In one syllable, it says so much more than much more impressive words. I love the simplicity of it and that it has no pretenses and, of course, it can’t be diluted. It’s an entirely modest yet quite powerful word.My parents visited me tonight for a haircut to prep for their 35th high school reunion in a week or so. Originally, I intended to inquire about my mom’s business endeavor’s and interject my uncalled for opinion – but I didn’t. It just didn’t seem necessary. Rather, I found that I have such great admiration for both of them. They have been through so much and accomplished so much. Not only in their day to day lives, but also in their relationship. There is also a lot that I disagree with in their daily lives and their relationship, but somehow it works for them. I think that disagreeing with someone’s choices and being okay with it is a very strong element of love, which makes me realize that I deeply love my family more than I have ever realized before tonight. I really admire that through all their obstacles, the still remain together. They’re approaching their 25 year anniversary soon and I’m incredibly inspired by them. Considering all that they have overcome, most couples would have given up long ago. I think my entire family’s strong sense of integrity, sheer willpower, unwillingness to settle, and uncompromising stubbornness has a lot to do with their longevity. The reason it inspires me is that I know that I am capable of similar longevity since they raised me. It seems like over the past year the majority of the tension between us has effortlessly melted away. I’m so thankful that I have such an incredible family….and I know I’m very lucky, even though it didn’t always seem that way. I can only hope that someday I will have the happiness that my parents have.   I left work early today since it was “Cheyenne Day” and government employees don’t have to work a full day today. It was SO nice. I felt like I actually had my day. There wasn’t really much left to do anyway. I finally finished writing, analyzing and summarizing the report that I have been working on for the past month…it ended up being more like a 300 page book. So I could finally breathe a sigh of relief by the time I left today. Now I get to start on the next one…yeah! lol. Fortunately, I also re-wrote many of the data formula’s today that will basically do my job for me, so next month will be incredibly easy…shhh! It’s a secret!

PURE love,

Brad

In Search of Life

I can’t find it.

In Your Dreams

In Your Dreams

Last night I dreamed that an incredibly playful white skunk was living in my closet. In my dream, I always knew it was there but it wasn’t until someone pointed it out to me that I openly acknowledged its existence. It had such a friendly, loving disposition…kind of like a puppy with brilliant white fur.So I looked up the key words, ‘white’ and ’skunk’ in a dream dictionary. Apparently it means that I drive people away and I’m on the verge of a reawakening that I don’t agree with or particularly like. My reaction to this interpretation was very clear. I asked myself, “do I actually push people away?” Yes, I do that. It’s not even unconscious…I’m very well aware that I do it. My second reaction was also particularly clear…I realized that I don’t really care. Most people would be initially disturbed by their new awareness that they do this. But for me, I am only disturbed by the fact that I don’t care that drive people away. I should care. And I should also be clear that I do care about everyone I know. BUT everyone should know by now that I am just not capable of being there for them in the way they need…at the same time, it has  been incredibly rare that anyone has ever shown me that they are capable of being there for me the way they want me to be for them.

So the conclusion, I guess is that I am finally aware of this and I am not happy about the situation but I have to just accept it whether I like it or not.

It’s amazing what two words can mean in your dreams: white, skunk.

“I was just so happy to find someone as cold and detached as I am.”

-Scrubs

Rebuttal

I’m still thinking about the white skunk dream and my response to it. I’m still bothered by the fact that I initially didn’t care, but that was yesterday. I still have to accept that I don’t have certain capabilities, but I don’t think that means that I never will. I think it just takes time and practice. Usually, I would use the excuse, “I’m too busy, I don’t have time.” But the fact is, if something (including change) is important, you will make time.

As far as practicing developing certain mental and emotional capabilities, at least I have pinpointed the problem in order to do this. I think what has happened is that I have been so detached and desensitized for so long that I became too comfortable being in ‘off/distant’ mode. Over time, it went from being a matter of survival to a matter of comfort. It was a defense mechanism of sorts that no longer serves me and is actually an expense that I can’t afford. In the past, my mindset has been that I simply can’t care. That was partially chemically induced by taking every anti-depressant on the market at a far too young age. Fortunately, I don’t need them anymore…but now that I want to care and stop driving people away, can I?